Rangers Players have been checking up on what we are saying about them!

So let’s give them something to think about.  Like a wee look in the gaffer’s little black book?

Roy Carroll – Experienced goalkeeper, reliable in an emergency.
Graeme Smith – Looking for him to prove himself longer term and keep Allan on his toes.
Allan McGregor – Has done well, confident and reliable, needs to work harder if he wants to be thought of as highly as Andy Goram.

Kirk Broadfoot – Has done well since arriving from St. Mirren.  He needs to work on being a Rangers player.  That means having more confidence in himself, the players around him, and raising expectations.
Ugo Ehiogu – His goal against Celtic has endeared him to the Rangers fans. He is a little bit more mobile than marvellous Marvin and almost as fearsome.
Andy Webster – This guy is a right slacker. He has been with us for over a year now and played only once in the first team.  What is it about these guys that could’nae climb a set o stairs without going over on their ankle.  Needs a few games to sharpen up, but should be up for the job when the auld yin needs a rest.
Steven Whittaker – Showed us plenty of talent when on holiday in Edinburgh.  Needs to realise that as a Rangers player passing to guys in green shirts in a definite no no.  Show him the various strips for the coming season.  Seriously, needs to be a bit more alert and keep possession for the team.  He fancies himself as a striker.  KB is going to put him right, I hear.
Carlos Cueller – Someone who actually understands what Nacho is saying when he goes off in one of his rants.  Better looking than Nacho too, so he says.  We gave him the nickname of elastic legs here a few weeks back for his unnatural ability to stretch out a leg and pull the ball back from 20ft away.  Seriously, he as been a great asset to the side, and is definitely faster than the Auld Yin.
Allan Hutton – Opposition wingers claim to have been mugged as they try to run down the flanks here at Ibrox these days.  Has put in a power of work and fully deserves his international call-up.  When he starts on a run, he is difficult to stop.  Changing direction during these runs is still proving a problem.  Will get steering checked.
Sasa Papac – Is improving every game.  I am not too sure about him getting ‘English’ lessons from Coisty.
Steven Smith – Still struggling to get over groin and hernia problems.  Wee Stevie has promised to give up career in Adult films.  He performed really well last season, and his football wisnae bad either.  He will certainly help the team when he is back to full fitness.
David Weir – Who said that he has the wisest auld heid on the park? Or, wis it the auldest wise heid on the park?  David is proving that pace isnae everything, and when someone gets past him then, well that why we have ‘Elastic Legs’ go after him.

Charlie Adam – Another wise Guy. He likes to put the ball in the net from free kicks when the goalkeeper is not looking.  Good idea son.  Still needs to think about his game and keep his composure.

Chris Burke – On the brink (of buying a round I hear).  Will he make the grade?  Chris has loads of talent.  He needs to take a few tips from Ronaldinho when he comes to Ibrox.  Coisty would like to see him give DaMarcus a run for his money.

Brahim Hemdani – Does a great job in midfield protecting our defence.  Often wonders why the other lazy b’s in midfield don’t help out more.  BF has promised to put in a defensive shift if Brahim scores more goals.

Kevin Thompson – Looks better than he plays.  Well, can you guess who said that?  Kevin is another guy who holiday’d in Edinburgh for a while.  Step it up lad, and pass to the boys in BLUE.  SW has offered to give you shooting lessons.  Hope you like grouse (no not the famous kind).  Do your own thing; don’t let BF get in your way.

Amdy Faye – Newcastle, Portsmouth, Charlton.  You need to brush up on your geography. Not seeing too many goals from you so far in your career.  How about a shooting party with SW and KT?

Thomas Buffel – Another guy who took a nasty turn leaving the bar when BF asked who’s round it was.  Should be back soon. Has promised to show SW, KT and AF where the 18-yard box is, and that there are no passwords needed to get in.

Barry Ferguson – Well what can we say about Barry that will not upset him?  OK, don’t mention those extra pounds, his wife beats him up if he dis’nae eat all of his dinner.   OK, he is not lacking pace from those extra pounds.  A couple of the strikers have said his eyesight is going too, he never see’s their runs into the box…ooops don’t say that either (sorry KB!).  Barry has had his shooting boots on this season and found his way into the box.  He wants to thank TB for showing him the way.

Lee McCulloch  -  Another guy needing a geography lesson.  Wigan?  Lee walked into JJB to buy some new golf clubs and ended up in WIGAN.   However, Lee is a battler and just like he battles for Rangers and Scotland, Lee found his way to Murray Park.

DaMarcus Beasley – Has found the back of the net at crucial times this season.  Sasa said that he fell over  DaMarcus’s bed on the left wing on several occasions this season.  DaMarcus, you need to stay awake and contribute the whole time you are on the pitch.  Yes we know that you have complained about BF’s eyesight too.  CB is still planning your downfall, so beware, he is a sneaky little blighter.

Kris Boyd – No he does NOT have a chip on his shoulder…more like a whole potato field.  Still scoring goals, and making more of a contribution during the game.  The gaffer is only allowing one bed on the park these days and currently DaMarcus has first dibbs.  Needs to cool it sometimes, and not throw in tackles for retribution’s sake.  Wee Stevie says he will take care of business when he gets back.  We were thinking to give him a run in the reserves as a Centre Half, just to see the striking role from a different perspective.  Well if the Auld Yin can play that position then KB should have no problem.

Daniel  Cousin – Knows the way to goal, fast and works hard.   That’s what your Dad told us when we signed you.  Three goals so far.  Yes you are faster than what Coisty was when he played, but don’t tell him that.  Let our super talented know it all have some dignity.

Nacho Novo – Got the goal that saw us into the Champions League.  Fast, tricky, loads of effort, just wish he would not insist on wearing these square toe’d football boots.   Wanted to go on shooting party, but has been ruled out on grounds of national security, even Dick Cheaney (US vice president) has declined.
Steven Naismith – Another sleeper, almost missed the transfer deadline, still in bed and it was almost midnight.  No he hadn’t just gone to bed.  He just had not got up yet.  Has promised to show KB a thing or two.

Jean-Claude Darcheville  -  Puts himself about and works hard.  BBC commentators were discussing his attributes as Ox-like.  I would say that he can certainly do the job that Dado did, and a few defenders will be asked by their sweathearts if they walked into a brick wall. Definitely like what he has done so far.

Alan Gow – The competition at Ibrox is a bit tougher than what it was at Falkirk.  However, Alan and JC could make a good partnership in European games when defenders have to be kept occupied.
If you have anything to add, or if one of the other players wants to contribute,  anonymously of course, send us a comment (will not be published) and we will see what we can do.
Thanks due to those who would rather not be mentioned, just make sure that the cheque is in the post.